There's not a lot of time on my hands these days, and blogging hasn't been a top priority. I feel as though I will regret this in the future, and I'd like to continue to update as often as I can so that Collin can look back and read these, and know what we were up to as a family, or how he was growing and learning. There are many reasons why I haven't been here to write, which I will elaborate on later, and the one reason that drove me here today...I cleaned out Collin's bedroom closet....
Why is that a big deal, that makes me want to blog? Well, amongst the toys, clothes and other random items that reminded me how much has changed in our lives in 2 1/2 years, I found a nasal cannula that brought me to tears. Seeing an item from the hospital days, and our first few weeks at home when Collin was on oxygen made those old wounds, my emotions flood back in that moment and lead to me wanting to write. Jason and I have had many conversations over these last two years, but more-so recently about how even after all this time has passed it sometimes feels harder, not easier, to deal with our emotions and quite possibly cases of post-traumatic stress.
There are a lot of feelings and emotions that go along with that whole time in our lives.. We feel like we are slowly unravelling and facing the feelings now because we so often put on that brave face, or were a rock for each other. (Awhile back, I made some changes to my first entries on the blog and updated situations while they were still clear in my head) because we would leave out details of what was really going on to not worry our family and friends. We down-played what was happening to our baby and what was happening to us. We don't exactly want Collin to know all of those things either, to protect him from knowing he was so fragile, that bad things happened to him, that he almost died. But, on the flip side, he should know he made it, that he was a fighter. For a lot of our life being public at the time, we still kept some things to ourselves. Especially me, I bottled up feelings, I put on the brave face, and I gave other people my attention when I needed to be focused on Collin. I regret to this day dealing with family issues, worrying about visiting hours, making people who didn't deserve the time of day a priority, saving face and appease others, make sure people who didn't get along would not have overlapping visiting hours and so on and so forth. I was caught up in their drama, instead of telling them all to go away so I could have alone time with my son. This is one of my biggest issues with that whole time.. my personal guilt and regret for not having my own voice. I eventually found it, (which caused more issues), but also resulted in some very positive changes for our family. It always gets worse before it gets better, right? .. Now I'm dealing with the past and learning to accept the things I can't change about it, and forgiving myself for the way I handled it. And, being proud of myself for making decisions, for working together in this marriage and raising our kids the way we want to, and especially making the hard choice to say goodbye to people we loved, to be able to distance ourselves from negativity. We have always tried to stay positive and share our good news, but, truth be told, even with all the wonderful milestones and amazing moments, it has been a tough few years. We so often only talk about our happy times and Collin's achievements, but it needs to be recognized that being a NICU parent is not fun. I need to give a realistic view into what it means to be a parent and go through these emotions, knowing that it may help another NICU parent cope someday and know they are not alone. You are not weak for being scared, or sad. Crying is great, therapy is too! We all could benefit from it. And talking about your problems is healthy, get it off your chest.
Besides talking with Jason, or today writing out my feelings, one of the ways that I have coped with my emotions is through music. Any one that knows me, knows that I have a crazy obsession with the musician Andrew Mcmahon (Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate). Jason and I are both huge fans, have matching tattoos and have traveled to different states to see him play. The reason why he is so significant in our lives is because his music got us through it all. I listened to him through out my high school and college days, but when I became pregnant with Collin we would listen in the car on my way to work and I'd sing to my belly. Our son knows who Andrew is, and has been listening since he was in utero, and he still does to this day. He asks for "Andy Makin'" (his way of saying music). We watch music videos on TV and dance in our living room. He has favorite songs too. During our NICU stay, Andy's CDs were playing on the drive up to the hospital, and the drive home. He was in the in between, too, when I was humming or singing his songs to Collin. I had always been a fan, but I can't describe how much it means to me now. I know that it was the thing that kept me going, kept me sane, calmed me down on a drive home after a long hard day. And now, its a joy to share with my son when we dance together, and a bond that Jason and I share that connects us to the music.
So I'll leave you with a couple of quotes that I have found very relatable to our situation that have helped me through.
"Swim for the music that saves your when you're not so sure you'll survive"
"Memories, like bullets they fired at me from a gun. A crack in the armor, I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun, chocking on salt water, I'm not giving in...I swim."
..." There's a lot that I don't know. There's a lot that I'm still learning. When I think I'm letting go, I find my body, it's still burning. And you hold me down, and you've got me living in the past, come on pick me up. Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast... I'm alive, and I don't need a witness, to know that I survived. I'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah, just need light. I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution."
-2.5 year Collin update- Baby boy is amazing. He is so smart, his favorite thing right now is Tinkerbell :) He watches the movies over and over and he knows all of the fairy's names. He loves his sissy and he plays very well. He loves all food and is probably ready for a growth spurt because he has a great appetite lately. We've been bringing the kids swimming a lot lately since it's summer and we live near a lake. He loves the water and likes to see boats and ducks when they go by. He is as sweet as ever and gives great hugs and kisses, and loves giving high-fives or 'fist bumps' lol. He is a social butterfly, says hi and waves to people in the grocery store. He is obsessed with lights and fans still..and turns them on and off. He has great relationships with our family and he asks for people he wants to see, knows everyone by name. He loves playing outside and going to the park, lake or beach. He's shown a huge interest in colors lately and is learning. We think his favorite color is green. He's very interested in animals and loves cats. No health issues lately, he has a few colds over the winter and one hospital visit (pneumonia!) But he's doing very well now.
