5 Years

Collin -

You are FIVE today!!  I just can't believe it! (I'm so sorry I didn't write birthday posts for you the last couple years I feel terrible!!)  The addition of Delaney to our family and the crazy hectic life we live made me forget about the blog and I'm sorry buddy.  I wish I left more memories for you here.

So...Collin turning five....

You are the kindest, most loving little boy.  You are very sensitive. You are sweet. You are extremely intelligent. You don't like change and you're very stuck in your ways.  You have a heart of gold and make everyone feel so special and loved.

Right now you enjoy the Ghost Busters a lot, you sing the song constantly!   You made a proton-pack out of an old backpack we had and the vacuum hose, but we bought you the official pack for your birthday present and you're going to love it!

You never go to bed on time, always getting out of your bed.  You've been found many nights sleeping in our bed, the hallway, your tent..anywhere but your OWN bed.   This drives us nuts. But you're a night owl like Mommy and you always want to know what's going on.

For the most part you are potty trained but you've given us some trouble with poop accidents and it's the only thing that makes us pull out our hair as your parents.  We brought you to the Dr. but you're fine..we think it's just laziness.  You say you want to be a baby and wear diapers...but we encourage you to always wear big boy underwear and go on the potty.   You'll get there in your own time.

You started using your imagination a lot lately.  You ask "WHY" one million times a day, and it's because you're a little sponge always trying to learn new things and figure out the way the world works.   You're still very interested in lights & electricity.  You love glow sticks, fans, lights etc.

Music is always an interest of yours, you remember the melodies and words to songs easily. You love singing the songs from "Nightmare before Christmas"  and you love music that is in movies especially ghost busters, the grinch, nightmare before Christmas, Star Wars, Hop and more. You often ask me to blast music in the car while we drive and you will dance and sing.   We think you might want to be a drummer one day.

For Halloween you dressed as an astronaut, but you told us you want to be a pilot.  You're very interested in airplanes and all things that fly.  You also said you never want to grow up, but you could be a "kid astronaut".

We recently compared you to 3 fictional characters to describe your personality and they were
The Grinch - Because you are so cranky and "hate" things, but in reality you're a fuzzy little sweetheart.
Kylo Ren - Because he's "dark side" and throws tantrums
& Flint Lockwood - Because he's a young inventor and very imaginative and silly.

You love to cuddle and you're very sweet.  You watch out for Laney and you're a good big brother. Sometimes you both fight, but for the most part you get along really well and play together.

You love the I-pad and YouTube. You steal my phone all the time and try to watch videos.  But we take this away from you because you get crazy about it.

You think Poop is the funniest thing in the world.

Some other favorite things-

Colors: green & orange

Shows/Movies:
Ninja turtles
Daniel Tiger
Ghost Busters
The cat in the hat
Star wars
the Grinch

Foods: Pizza & Cheeseburgers

Drinks: Lemonade/iced tea, "fuzzy"aka Soda which you sneak at any chance you can but you're not supposed to have it!

Favorite Songs:
"Can't stop the feeling" Justin Timberlake
"The Anthem" Good Charlotte
"Synesthesia" Andrew McMahon
"Cecilia and the Satellite" Andrew McMahon


We LOVE you SO SO much big boy!!  You have my heart and I'll love you forever.
-Mommy xoxox

Cleaning the Closet

There's not a lot of time on my hands these days, and blogging hasn't been a top priority. I feel as though I will regret this in the future, and I'd like to continue to update as often as I can so that Collin can look back and read these, and know what we were up to as a family, or how he was growing and learning.  There are many reasons why I haven't been here to write, which I will elaborate on later, and the one reason that drove me here today...I cleaned out Collin's bedroom closet....

Why is that a big deal, that makes me want to blog?  Well,  amongst the toys, clothes and other random items that reminded me how much has changed in our lives in 2 1/2 years, I found a nasal cannula that brought me to tears.    Seeing an item from the hospital days, and our first few weeks at home when Collin was on oxygen made those old wounds, my emotions flood back in that moment and lead to me wanting to write.  Jason and I have had many conversations over these last two years, but more-so recently about how even after all this time has passed it sometimes feels harder, not easier, to deal with our emotions and quite possibly cases of post-traumatic stress.

There are a lot of feelings and emotions that go along with that whole time in our lives.. We feel like we are slowly unravelling and facing the feelings now because we so often put on that brave face, or were a rock for each other.  (Awhile back, I made some changes to my first entries on the blog and updated situations while they were still clear in my head) because we would leave out details of what was really going on to not worry our family and friends.  We down-played what was happening to our baby and what was happening to us.  We don't exactly want Collin to know all of those things either, to protect him from knowing he was so fragile, that bad things happened to him, that he almost died.  But, on the flip side, he should know he made it, that he was a fighter.  For a lot of our life being public at the time, we still kept some things to ourselves.  Especially me, I bottled up feelings, I put on the brave face, and I gave other people my attention when I needed to be focused on Collin.  I regret to this day dealing with family issues, worrying about visiting hours, making people who didn't deserve the time of day a priority, saving face and appease others, make sure people who didn't get along would not have overlapping visiting hours and so on and so forth.  I was caught up in their drama, instead of telling them all to go away so I could have alone time with my son. This is one of my biggest issues with that whole time.. my personal guilt and regret for not having my own voice.   I eventually found it, (which caused more issues), but also resulted in some very positive changes for our family.  It always gets worse before it gets better, right? .. Now I'm dealing with the past and learning to accept the things I can't change about it, and forgiving myself for the way I handled it.  And, being proud of myself for making decisions, for working together in this marriage and raising our kids the way we want to, and especially making the hard choice to say goodbye to people we loved, to be able to distance ourselves from negativity.  We have always tried to stay positive and share our good news, but, truth be told, even with all the wonderful milestones and amazing moments, it has been a tough few years. We so often only talk about our happy times and Collin's achievements, but it needs to be recognized that being a NICU parent is not fun.  I need to give a realistic view into what it means to be a parent and go through these emotions, knowing that it may help another NICU parent cope someday and know they are not alone.  You are not weak for being scared, or sad. Crying is great, therapy is too! We all could benefit from it. And talking about your problems is healthy, get it off your chest.

Besides talking with Jason, or today writing out my feelings, one of the ways that I have coped with my emotions is through music. Any one that knows me, knows that I have a crazy obsession with the musician Andrew Mcmahon (Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate).  Jason and I are both huge fans, have matching tattoos and have traveled to different states to see him play.  The reason why he is so significant in our lives is because his music got us through it all.  I listened to him through out my high school and college days, but when I became pregnant with Collin we would listen in the car on my way to work and I'd sing to my belly.  Our son knows who Andrew is, and has been listening since he was in utero, and he still does to this day. He asks for "Andy Makin'" (his way of saying music).  We watch music videos on TV and dance in our living room. He has favorite songs too. During our NICU stay, Andy's CDs were playing on the drive up to the hospital, and the drive home.  He was in the in between, too, when I was humming or singing his songs to Collin.  I had always been a fan, but I can't describe how much it means to me now.  I know that it was the thing that kept me going, kept me sane, calmed me down on a drive home after a long hard day. And now, its a joy to share with my son when we dance together, and a bond that Jason and I share that connects us to the music.
So I'll leave you with a couple of quotes that I have found very relatable to our situation that have helped me through.

"Swim for the music that saves your when you're not so sure you'll survive"
"Memories, like bullets they fired at me from a gun. A crack in the armor, I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun, chocking on salt water, I'm not giving in...I swim."

..." There's a lot that I don't know. There's a lot that I'm still learning.  When I think I'm letting go, I find my body, it's still burning. And you hold me down, and you've got me living in the past, come on pick me up. Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast... I'm alive, and I don't need a witness, to know that I survived. I'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah, just need light. I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution."





-2.5 year Collin update-   Baby boy is amazing. He is so smart, his favorite thing right now is Tinkerbell :)  He watches the movies over and over and he knows all of the fairy's names.  He loves his sissy and he plays very well.  He loves all food and is probably ready for a growth spurt because he has a great appetite lately.  We've been bringing the kids swimming a lot lately since it's summer and we live near a lake. He loves the water and likes to see boats and ducks when they go by.  He is as sweet as ever and gives great hugs and kisses, and loves giving high-fives or 'fist bumps' lol.  He is a social butterfly, says hi and waves to people in the grocery store. He is obsessed with lights and fans still..and turns them on and off.  He has great relationships with our family and he asks for people he wants to see, knows everyone by name.  He loves playing outside and going to the park, lake or beach.  He's shown a huge interest in colors lately and is learning. We think his favorite color is green.  He's very interested in animals and loves cats.  No health issues lately, he has a few colds over the winter and one hospital visit (pneumonia!) But he's doing very well now.

2 Years!

Two years ago today, my life was changed forever!  It is hard to believe that our tiny miracle, the micro-preemie little baby who came into this world far too soon, is now a fun-loving energetic and smart TODDLER!

Collin Michael Madison was born November 1st, 2011 @ 2:17a.m weighing 1lb, 14 oz. He was 13.25 inches.  And he was the most beautiful baby boy in the entire world.

Collin-bo-bollin-stinky-monkey-boy, or Collin for short ;) Has enriched our lives in countless ways. He is the the little boy from my dreams and so much more. I had no idea my heart could hold so much love, until this little man came into my life.

 I will never forget what it felt like when your tiny hand wrapped around my finger for the first time.  It was so scary when you came into the world, we had no idea what would happen to you. Living in the hospital for those 108 long days, sitting by your side and watching you struggle to breathe and fight for your life, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, it was a miracle.  You overcame every obstacle and you proved all the statistics and the doctors wrong. You showed the world what God's love can do. You were, and are so strong. More than you will ever realize. We had no clue that someone so small could become our hero.  You are an amazing person and I look forward to continue to watch you learn and grow.

We Love You Baby Boy,
Mama, Dada & Sissy

23 months

Collin is working on starting his "terrible twos"!!  Overall he is a great baby and a happy little boy, but he has learned how to fuss and throw tantrums when he doesnt get what he wants!
He is so smart! He keeps amazing us with how much he understands and how well his vocabulary is developing.
He is very interested in animals and he is learning their noises. He says "moo""meow""woof"and "buck-buck"
Collin's biggest obsession is lights, it has been for quite some time.. He says "on" and "off" and his newest is "fire" or "Fi-YAH!" haha we should have NEVER shown him a candle, because he loves it way too much and wants to see it all the time.
We are so proud of his growing expressions of love, he loves to cuddle, give hugs and kisses and he can also give hi-fives.
He can now ask for things he wants and says "please" :) He will say "uppa" to be picked up. "more" verbally and in sign language for food. "Cup" for a drink, and he knows key words for his favorite snacks like cracker, apple, banana and cookie.
He loves his sissy, he calls her "Sasa, or Saaa" He calls for her and looks in her crib to see if she's there. He will give her hugs and try to share his cup with her. He is learning other peoples names too he says mama, dada, Emma (his auntie) and tee-tee for auntie, he has said gamammy for grammy and ucky for unkie seth :) he also said papa today for my dad. He has said kitty-cat for awhile and misses our cats, as we had to give them away but they live at grampy steve's now so he can see them there.

For Halloween and his 2nd birthday he will be a monkey :)

First Haircut!

We had another milestone moment today.. Collin got his very first haircut :)
We thought about waiting until his 2nd birthday, but it was really starting to get long.  He was a very good boy. He stayed still until half way through the cut, and then he sat on mommy's lap to get it finished.  He now has a regular boys cut and its short enough that we spiked it into a little faux-hawk.  He looks very cute!!  Thank you great Auntie Jane

19 months!

Wow... We haven't updated since February!!!!  So much has happened in the last 4 months!!

Collin can WALK! and RUN!

We stopped seeing early intervention because Collin has been doing excellent and he is learning new things every day.  He barely crawls anymore, he  is walking all the time.  He has been using a sippy cup for about 4 months, he still steals his sisters bottle, but never drinks it. He is just curious as to why she has one and I think he just likes to pick on her.

Teething has been fun! (NOT)  We've had many long nights, a few high temps and long fussy days.. but tylenol and orajel have helped a lot.  He fully has 4 on top and 4 on bottom.. working on 4 more on the top right now all at once.

Collin has a great appetite, and likes all sorts of foods. He doesn't seem to dislike anything, and has not had any allergic reactions to foods. yay!  He LOVES apples. We now give him a full apple, skin and all.. he carries it around the house with him and will eat almost the whole apple.  He loves pasta or chicken probably the most for meals.  He is curious about whatever we are eating, and he will always come up to us and take a bite (or a few) of whatever we are eating.  what has surprised me the most is he does well with spice... he's tried things with seasoning like pepper, and he loves salsa!

Language has really developed over the last few months, he can now say "dada" "mama" "kitty" "oh" "in""ut-oh" "ya" "light" and his own made up word "tucka-tucka"?!  he says it ALL the time. he will just be walking around going "tucka, tucka, tucka, tucka!" haha.. He babbles often in his own little language.  When he says "light" he doesn't pronounce the L, but he is obsessed with lights, and will point to them or raise his hand up and say "iiight"  He understands what certain things mean, when we ask him questions like, "do you want a .... cuppy, night-night, or bye-bye?"  he says "YA!"   He can show you where his belly button is if you ask him.. we are working on teaching him other body parts!

He can now play patty-cake he likes to clap and do "roll it" sometimes he'll toss it, but it takes coaxing. He often gives kisses (wide open mouth placed on your face haha!)  and he also gives hugs, laying his head on you and he says "aaawww" while doing so :)  he's so sweet.

Collin loves his sissy, but he tortures her too!  He loves to pat the top of her head, or poke her eyes and belly button! he steals her blankets and bottles and sometimes he smacks and pinches her.  He does however giggle at her and kiss her and say awww to her!

He is a momma's boy for sure!  If I go to another room he follows, if I go to the bathroom with the door closed, he will cry at the door. If I go upstairs he will fuss until I come back down etc.. He has also on a couple occassions pushed Daddy away when he tried to hug me.. and the other day Daddy was giving me a hug and Collin nudged himself in between us, then growled at him! haha.

Collin enjoys playing outside, he likes the park and going on the swings.  He also loves going out places, especially the grocery store. If I say "wanna go shopping?"  He excitedly says YAA!  He even grabbed his own shoes one day and brought them to me and sat right down to get them put on! lol  He loves playing in water like the tub or even in the rain.. I brought him out last week when we had a big storm he loved splashing in the puddles with me.  He loves music, daddy often plays his guitar for him. and sometimes in the car he will fuss until we turn the radio on, I catch him "dancing" sometimes :)

All around he's been just awesome!  He is definitely a full fledged toddler now with running around and finding trouble.. but he's so well behaved, even in public.. I can't believe he's a year and a half already.. such a big boy!

corrected one year!

Collin is now officially ONE by his corrected age! We made him a cake to celebrate :)  It was so much fun.. he wasn't shy about diving right into the cake :) We couldn't stop laughing.. he is just so cute!  Here are the photos~