Collin is now 12 weeks 2 days or 38 weeks gestation corrected age. Its hard to believe that we've known Collin for almost 3 months and he is still not due to be born for 2 more weeks! We truly have been blessed with such a wonderful, miracle baby!!
Collin has faced many challenges, such as his grade IV bleed with hydrocephalus on his left side. A PDA-ductus not being closed in his heart, sepsis in his first week, pneumonia, chronic lung disease, at least 10 transfusions (I lost count), and multiple hernias, that will need surgical correction sometime in the next few months. He even holds the NICU record for unplanned self-extubations. All that aside we are EXTREMELY lucky! It's not quite fair to compare Collin to other micro preemies because everyone's story is different, and not all babies are the same... But, I've read a few other stories/blogs lately and there is a whole world of challenges that Collin has never had to face, and it's a miracle.
I've been reflecting a lot lately over what we've been through the last few months and wanted to share some of the feelings that I never talk about.. It's time to get it off my chest. First and foremost I LOVE my son and I have cherished every moment with him. But I, of course have struggled with some sad emotions over the last few months, and I'm sure some of the feelings will take awhile to subside.
The first thing is the anger I have felt, the "why did this happen to us" feeling, the guilt for the unknown reason for why Collin was born so early. There is no known medical reason as to why it happened, and the Dr.'s have assured me it was nothing I did wrong.. But I can't help but feel sadness and guilt wondering if there was anything I could have done better (eating better, exercising more.. something, anything). I have had very sad, and angry feelings over the challenges we faced to become pregnant in the first place. Again, it could have been a lot worse such as in vitro and things.. but, I dreamed of being pregnant and having a baby so much, that dealing with the emotions as to why I could not become pregnant for over a year were very challenging. Having to see a specialist and run many tests, and fertility drugs was a difficult time. Knowing there are people out there not suited to be parents who are on drugs hurts. Or, people becoming pregnant by accident and having abortions out of convenience was something that angered me deeply. During the year we were having difficulty I knew two people that made that choice, and it killed me that they knew how desperately I wanted a child, and how many wonderful people there are in the world that would have adopted their child. Their choices hurt me, and made me question why these things happened, when I could not, at the time have a baby of my own. Getting this positive test was best feeling!
Second, I know that people were trying to make me feel good when he was born by telling me how amazing I looked after his birth, but the truth is I didn't want to hear it. I hate the fact that I was totally fine while my baby was being kept alive by machines. I wish I could have gained a million pounds, gotten tons of stretch marks, been uncomfortable, swollen, and tired, just so he could be healthy. I don't think I will be able to look at a pregnant women without feeling jealousy and anger for awhile. They just don't realize what a blessing it is to have a watermelon sized belly..I never really got that far, I had just began to show..
Like I said, I am so happy to have known Collin this whole time and wouldn't take back any of our memories together. But, I've had to (how the nurses put it) Grieve the loss of my pregnancy. I never got the chance to do fun pregnancy things like get a 3D ultrasound, get maternity photos taken, or have strangers rub my belly in public and ask when I was due. I even had a baby shower, not pregnant! People really take for granted these amazing moments, easy pregnancies, safe deliveries and healthy full term babies that can go home after 2 days. They don't know the difference between seeing your baby immediately or having to wait 10 hours to meet him. Or being able to hold your baby after a few moments, or having to wait 5 days. Simple things like breathing, eating, changing a first diaper, wearing a first outfit, and having a first bath can be taken for granted, while these were MAJOR milestones in Collin's life. This whole experience has truly changed my view and made me grateful for the little moments. I hope in all of this I can help people cherish their children, just that little bit more. Hold on to your baby and love them!!
The third thing is that it has been very difficult for me being in a service position, watching my customers with their children. They act like they are a burden; horrible, rotten children. I have even witnessed a mother smack her child, in front of me, for no good reason..I was horrified. I hope that I will never take Collin's life for granted and will be able to parent him so much better than that.
Lastly, I know that people mean well, I appreciate everyone being interested in Collin and his progress. But, people don't realize that sometimes the last thing we want to hear is "When can Collin come home?" It is a difficult question to answer and it is constantly on our mind. We want that more than anything.. But, sometimes the question adds salt to the wound. Collin continues to progress and is such an amazing little boy.. He will come home when his Dr.'s feel he is ready. The hardest thing to explain to people is that just because he is now at a healthy weight, and at some point in the near future he will be able to come home does not mean he's all better. We still have a fragile child, who still has a long road ahead. There are surgeries planned, early intervention, physical therapy and possible speech therapy, and more possible scenarios for our future. He will not be able to attend a day care, or go anywhere there is large groups of people (and germs!!) He will be susceptible to all types of sickness, especially respiratory. The common cold could have him headed back to the hospital for another extended stay. Coming home in the winter months is probably the scariest thing in the world.. the flu and RSV are out there!
All this being said I want to sincerely say "THANK YOU" to everyone who has continued to follow our blog and leave us messages of hope and love. I will continue to work through my yucky feelings about the situation and enjoy this road for what it has been, because I love being with my baby!
Here is our most recent family photo :) We are so happy at how far we have come! Thanks for reading..xo
